Moments

I think like used to feel more like stages. Goals to achieve. Places to get to. Things to accomplish. When you are a teenager, it's about getting to college and having friends and maybe even a boyfriend along the way. Oh and getting good grades, too, I guess. 

So then finally you graduate and head off to college. It feels new and different. A new stage in life. But kind of the same thing. Working towards a goal - that mystery job after college. You live in the excitement of the mystery of what life holds for your future. Dreams seem to be bigger than the college campus can hold. Then after college, hopefully here comes a career - maybe even a husband...then kids. But that's when the stages of life really aren't that clear. But that's what real life is about. It's not getting somewhere. It's being where you are. 

It's not getting to the next stage, but living in the moments.  I used to live in one stage of life, looking toward the next, pretty much all the time. It's not a great place to be. It's full of restlessness and really kind of exhausting. Always working toward something, and that something...you really don't know what it is.  I was happy - mostly, but it just felt like there was always somewhere else to be. Something I needed to do. I was longing for a family - and I think the grief in that probably affected my ability to be still. 

Now, with kids - a full and lively family, even in the chaos, there is a peace in me.  It really makes no sense, but I feel the longings of the past fading away.  But for so long I was pushing forward. It's taken a lot to just slow down the momentum. With the kids, I can definitely see the stages of growth in my kids. And I don't want those to rush on by. So the best way I know how to do this is to just savor the moments. 

Cuddling with my girls on the couch. Drawing and cutting out hearts with my oldest, while the other two nap. Giggling on the floor with the baby. 

It's things I would have missed, I think, if I hadn't slowed down a little and just realized there's really no where to go. No where I need to go. No place I'd rather be.