Groundhog Toe

My running shoes are taunting me.  They sit there at the bottom of the closet, looking all new and fun and shiny.  I got new running shoes about 2 weeks before I broke my toe.  And only got to run in them a handful of times before the unfortunate toe breakage incident of September.  My shoes are still in that new phase, needing to be broken in JUST right, but still so very comfortable, light and exciting to run in.  New running shoes make me feel lighter when I run, especially these.  And with fresh cushioning, I seem to run faster and longer (probably not, but it feels like it).  All that lightness and cushion might have helped my toe not get broken in the first place.

I do love running.  I so miss it right now.  Being not that graceful (I did trip into a baby bouncer and break my toe in 3 places), it feels good to move rhythmically when running.  I like being active, but sports have never really worked for me.  I seem to not be coordinated enough to use any type of equipment in sports.  Running is just me and my feet on the ground - so it's the sport for me.  Although, right now is seems that I'm not coordinated to walk!!  (re: the toe breakage and now the limping) 

When I went to the doctor 6 weeks ago, I was thinking that maybe the toe was just bruised really bad, or maybe a hairline fracture.  But after the X-ray, the doctor was actually quite surprised to see just HOW broken it was.  He said that I needed to stay in the boot for a while (that a friend had so sweetly given me).  And to come back in 6 weeks for a re-check and X-ray.  So the weeks progressed.  For the first few weeks, I was in the boot most of the time - for protection, for walking, and for the pain.  It really did hurt worse than I thought a baby toe could hurt.  Then at about 4 weeks of healing, it started feeling lots better!  I could actually walk - sometimes wearing flip flops - I couldn't wear actual shoes yet...  And would still wear the boot as needed - or if I needed real shoes!  One real shoe, one boot!  I wore the boot less and less!  I was almost healed.... Right?  

At my 6 week re-check, I was hopeful that I was healed or at least almost healed.  But after removing the "buddy tape" (which I had on the whole 6 weeks) I saw the swelling and the bruising.  Yeah.  I knew that X-ray was going to come back showing something.  And indeed, it's STILL broken.  Of the three baby toe bones (er, tarsals), the top one is chipped, and the middle one is still cracked down the middle - into the joint.  And he said that I will have arthritis because of this.  A memory of this injury?  To remember to SLOW down?  Yay?  

So he told me 3 more weeks of healing.  No running.  Still.  I had been counting down the days, but I will not break doctor's orders.  I'm not going to risk it.  And after that doctor's visit, my toe was hurting more.  I don't know if it was from the prodding or the X-ray "maneuvers" or just the power of suggestion.  But I was back in the boot.  

I am thankful that it is healing correctly - as in the right place.  No other measures for healing, except time, are needed.  So I wait...  

Going to the doctor was kind of like Groundhog Day.  I was hoping that he was not going to see a shadow (on the X-ray).  But he did see something.  And now we have a few more weeks of healing.  

Moments

I think like used to feel more like stages. Goals to achieve. Places to get to. Things to accomplish. When you are a teenager, it's about getting to college and having friends and maybe even a boyfriend along the way. Oh and getting good grades, too, I guess. 

So then finally you graduate and head off to college. It feels new and different. A new stage in life. But kind of the same thing. Working towards a goal - that mystery job after college. You live in the excitement of the mystery of what life holds for your future. Dreams seem to be bigger than the college campus can hold. Then after college, hopefully here comes a career - maybe even a husband...then kids. But that's when the stages of life really aren't that clear. But that's what real life is about. It's not getting somewhere. It's being where you are. 

It's not getting to the next stage, but living in the moments.  I used to live in one stage of life, looking toward the next, pretty much all the time. It's not a great place to be. It's full of restlessness and really kind of exhausting. Always working toward something, and that something...you really don't know what it is.  I was happy - mostly, but it just felt like there was always somewhere else to be. Something I needed to do. I was longing for a family - and I think the grief in that probably affected my ability to be still. 

Now, with kids - a full and lively family, even in the chaos, there is a peace in me.  It really makes no sense, but I feel the longings of the past fading away.  But for so long I was pushing forward. It's taken a lot to just slow down the momentum. With the kids, I can definitely see the stages of growth in my kids. And I don't want those to rush on by. So the best way I know how to do this is to just savor the moments. 

Cuddling with my girls on the couch. Drawing and cutting out hearts with my oldest, while the other two nap. Giggling on the floor with the baby. 

It's things I would have missed, I think, if I hadn't slowed down a little and just realized there's really no where to go. No where I need to go. No place I'd rather be.